(Alternate cover edition of ASIN B095H67WTQ.)

Penelope, I know that it’s three o’clock in the morning, but I have to get this off my chest.

I can't give you any more advice on landing this other guy, can't tell you another "sexy" thing that you should do, or suggest a new set of filthy words that you should text him late at night.

As your best friend, I've reached my limit, and I can honestly say that he doesn't deserve you.

I'm not saying all of this because I'm f-cking jealous, or because he had the audacity to say that he makes more money than me. (I still can't find his name on the Forbes 500 list, and I know damn well that he's renting that Ferrari, but that's a story for a different day.)

He's not who you think he is, and the better man has always been right in front of you...

You have every reason to never give me a chance since you know me better than anyone, and you agree with all the tabloids calling me "The Cocky King of New York," and the "Untamed Playboy of Manhattan." But I honestly believe that you're better off with someone else, and I need you to see.

I'm not asking for too much... I just want you to break up with him, for me.