I’ve fallen victim to a heinous act.

An act so vile, so downright dirty, that I’m not sure as a twenty-year-old man I'll ever recover. Brace yourself, because what I’m about to tell you might have you gasping in secondhand horror.
Ready? Here it goes . . .

I’ve recently become the pawn of a meddling mom.

Yes . . . A MEDDLING MOM--who's been trying to set me up all summer.

Now, I understand it’s not a crime for a mother to want her child to fall in love, but when she makes it her relentless MISSION, the heinous act should be classified as a misdemeanor at least.

Of course, my mom, the evil matriarch in the devil’s leggings, made her final stab at finding a girl for me days before I went back to college.

And I hate to admit it, but she saved a doozy for last.

A titan in black skinny jeans.

A boss of nonchalance.

And a girl who would not only turn my life upside down, but do it while juggling a soccer ball, looking effortlessly gorgeous around campus, and is one hundred percent against relationships. Of any sort.

Thanks, Mom.